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The Truth About Domestic Violence: It's Not A Matter of Losing Control

"He just flew off the handle."

"She lost control."

Domestic violence is often described in terms that imply the perpetrator momentarily let a bad temper get the best of them. However this is rarely the case, says Dr. Eila Perkis of Israel's University of Haifa, since most abusers don't have anger management problems outside the home.

""The violent partner might conceive his or her behavior as a 'loss of control', but the same individual, unsurprisingly, would not lose control in this way with a boss or friends."

According to Perkis, violence often becomes a tool that the abusive partner uses within the relationship until the price of doing so gets too high.

Perkis and fellow researchers identified four escalating levels of violence ranging from verbal aggression to severe physical aggression. They posit that an understanding exists wherein an abusive partner will let his or her actions escalate until there will be a severe price--such as the police being called or a partner leaving--to be paid.

For example, a situation may exist in which one partner knows a slap will be tolerated but greater violence will not. Generally, the abuser will keep violence within this boundary, suggesting that it is not a matter of losing control.

According to researchers, the findings suggest that if a couple in an abusive relationship wishes to stay together, counseling must focus on recognizing these actions as unacceptable tools for resolving conflicts. They also urge that even within these situations, the victim is never at fault and the responsibility for refraining from violence rests entirely on the violent partner.