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"We" The Key to Marital Harmony

What is "we-ness?"

For UC Berkeley researchers studying the language of couplehood, it is the tendency to use the words "we" and "us" and "ours" rather than pronouns like "I," "you," "me" and "mine."

Silly as it may sound, this "we-ness" marks a sense of shared identity--and may be key to marital happiness and conflict resolution according to their new study published in the journal Psychology and Aging.

For the study, researchers monitored 154 middle aged and older couples engaged in a 15-minute conflict. Using verbatim transcripts of the discussion, they coded words based on whether they fell into the category of we-ness (we, ours, us) or separateness (yours, mine, you). They also monitored emotional and physiological responses during the conflict.

Results showed that an increased use of these "we" words was correlated with a number of positive traits related to the interaction including lower heartbeat and fewer negative feelings. Couples who rated well in this area also expressed greater satisfaction with their marriage overall.

Prior studies have found this to be true for younger couples. However, in examining older couples in more established partnerships, this new research shows that we-ness may increase over time, improving long-term marital satisfaction. Indeed, the oldest couples in the study were more likely to use we-ness words than their younger counterparts.

ABSTRACT: We can work it out: Age differences in relational pronouns, physiology, and behavior in marital conflict.