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Thoughts on Happiness & Having Kids

I cannot believe that the purpose of life is (merely) to be happy. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate. I think it is above all to matter, to count, to stand for something. To have it make some difference that you lived at all.

-- Leo Rosten

Above is one of my favorite quotations. It colors everything I do from raising my children to interacting with my clients.

Many people believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. Some people believe it so passionately that think they must be happy every moment of every day. These people are often the most miserable, unable to accept and move past suffering and sadness. If they are not constantly happy, they think that something is horribly wrong with their lives. Unfortunately, I think Americans are trapped in the illusion that happiness equals fulfillment.

Recently, I read an article by economist Nattavudh Powdthavee that illustrates one peril in this perpetual pursuit of happiness. In Think having children will make you happy?, he discusses his desire to become a father, noting that many potential parents expect children will bring them greater happiness. However, Powdthavee has recently published an analysis that shows there's actually not much correlation between having children and being happy. According to a related 2008 study parents may even experience a significant drop in life satisfaction that lasts about four years after a child is born. With these findings in mind, he calls expecting kids to make life happier a "focusing illusion."

The mothers on the Babycenter board that I frequent were up in arms about these statements, angry that someone would say that kids make people unhappy. But what Powdthavee's findings really show is that moment-to-moment happiness is lessened when a couple has kids. How is this a surprise? Parenting is hard work. Children can be obnoxious. They scream, they’re dirty, they insist on things that aren’t good for them, they rarely listen. â€¨â€¨Right now, my children are bouncing on the couch while I write this, even though I’ve told them several times not to bounce on the couch. Some days I want nothing more than to sell them to the highest bidder, but I wouldn’t change my life for anything.â€¨â€¨

Happiness is a fleeting moment, it doesn’t last past whatever is making you happy. But being useful, honorable, compassionate -- that lasts, that matters. If I can teach my children that, then I can say that I have fulfilled my purpose in life.